The Release

I am releasing you from me. Now. Today. I cannot tell how you are holding on to me, whether its by the edges of your fingertips or a full grasp of your huddled arms. In this bond I have been weak and naïve, selfless and charitable, empathetic and compassionate. You have been strong and closefisted, selfish and malevolent, apathetic and inconsiderate. Your talent for judging others is immense. Your ability to speak sharply, with no empathy or conscience, is remarkable. The importance of you to yourself is immeasurably vast.

When I think of you, after we've just spoken or just because, I have to consciously try to remember occasions when you have shown kindness and goodness that makes it effortless to maintain a close connection. Sadly, as the years have passed, those paradigms have almost ceased to exist and the memories of such occasions have faded and intertwined in the sea of turbulence and riotousness that has become who you are to me now.

I began swimming in your sea many years ago and while the waters grew voracious, choppy and unforgiving at times I was happy to bask in your cool movement, your calmness in the sunlight, your unequivocal feeling of security by surrounding me from every angle. That was what I needed from you then, when I was swimming, playing, floating gracefully through the calmness and taking shelter during the occasional storm.

It has been a very slow and painful drowning and I'm now too weary to hang on any longer. I have been trying to find the shore for what seems like a lifetime. I wasn't able to see land for the longest time and in the beginning I had no reason to look for it. It was when the storms grew stronger and more frequent that I began to question my safety and my surroundings. Your swells became fierce and your temperature colder, the sun took shelter elsewhere day after day until finally the calmness desisted and your sea held me in continuous commotion without any way of moving me to safety. You watched me, flailing about in the ten foot swells and part of you enjoyed it, another part of you realized I was the only one in the sea and without me you would be alone, so then you felt dreadful. This journey across your waters has been long and arduous, my arms and legs are heavy and my eyes can no longer penetrate through the salty mist to see any further into the horizon.

I've spoken with many about you, in commendation and frustration and these people, professionals or otherwise, see no valid reason for my commitment to you. They hear me defend you, my empathy pouring over, my vague justifications for your hurtful words and actions. Ive discovered that my rationalizations for why you are who you are, have deeply affected who I am and how I view others. And while I think that is deplorable and weak behavior on my part, it has truly given me wisdom, personal growth and a much greater appreciation for those who surround me and would never allow me to flail about in continuous commotion.

I know at times I have failed you and all I can hope for is to be forgiven and that you are freed of those burdens so you can live your life more peacefully. Your endeavors will be great, as there are times when you can be great but it would take a miracle for you to ever comprehend what you're up against in this world but you've shown when you've allowed yourself to shine, its brightness is burned in my memory always.